Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tonight's Tale from the Porn Store: Strippers and me

I have to say, (even though if my dad ever catches wind of this little blog he will be highly disappointed), I have always wanted to be a stripper, if only for just one day. I have always been fascinated by the art of the striptease, from burlesque to the buck-naked lap dance. I'll freely admit that I do stripteases at home by myself when I'm feeling froggy, (hey, it's a benefit of being a single gal!), and own 2 pair of stripper heels. They make you look and feel AWESOME, however, I wouldn't recommend being highly intoxicated while walking in them.

I've also been to a strip club with boyfriends and their friends; in their minds it was some sort of test, but I ended up having a better time than they did. They bought me table dances (no touching in the all nude clubs), and the women all appreciated the fact that I was having a good time, and not sitting there scowling or pouting like the other women who had been brought by their menfolk. During one song I was sitting and just grooving in my seat, singing with the music, when one of the ladies came over to me, and said how much she loved this song, and asked if I wanted a dance. I politely declined, as I had just had one, but she threw us a free one. During another song, I used a Mac King trick to slide a tip to one of the dancers, making it look like I was using my mind, but really blowing the bill across the stage.

That being said, the strippers loved me. They loved me because I would always tell them when an outfit didn't work, or make sure we had plenty of G-strings that held to the "1-inch rule." (In Tennessee, dance establishments that allow the dancer to touch you require that the buttcrack be covered by no less than a 1 inch wide G-string, and must remain covered, and the pubic area be completely covered.), and helped them trim the adhesive pasties or the whirlybird kind for them. (In 1-inch establishments, they must also wear pasties that cover the entire nipple, including the areola. I know, ridiculous, right?)

I became friends with several of the girls from the two local clubs, and one day a one of them came in. She was very excited, and said, "Look, honey! I got nipple rings! What do you think?" and she whipped her shirt up over her head, displaying her cash and prizes. I complimented her choice on silver hoops, and she put her shirt down. She said, " I just wanted to stop in and show you; I'll be back later this week for some new shoes, bye!" and she biddy-bopped out of the store.

The only squicky stripper experience I had was when a girl came in with an elderly couple. She was looking at the dancewear, and was picking out pieces. She asked for help, since she was a new dancer at the place next door, and I found some things I thought would work for her, when she held something up, turned to the old man, and said, "Papaw, do you think I'll be sexy in this?"

Call me crazy, but your granddad shouldn't help you pick out your stripper wardrobe.

1 comment:

Ray Flanary said...

You must have been a Cabaret girl in Berlin in a past life. LOL...